Standing at the Crossroads

This past week has been one of the hardest I can remember in a long time. God put me face to face with Him and I had to make a choice. The choice should have been easy... from Sunday afternoon I knew what He wanted me to do. He was making it clear. But I didn't want to listen to what he was telling me because it wasn't the choice I wanted to make. I wanted to take the easy way out and avoid the pain that comes with the road he was leading me on.

But as the week went on, God kept speaking louder and louder. During worship on Wednesday, I could feel his presence, his arms around me, telling me it would be ok, that he would be with me on that path. I knew what I had to do, but I still wasn't quite ready to accept it.

By last night, I was broken. I had a conversation with my Mom about my decision, but she wouldn't help me make it. She told me plain and simply, "You just need to talk this out with God." Perfect. Leave it to a parent to tell you what you already know but have been avoiding for the longest time.

Well, this afternoon my parents went to the grocery store. I had the house to myself, so what else do I do? MUSICMUSICMUSIC. I was listening to some random music and ended up going back to the new Barlow Girl CD that I've been listening to practically non-stop since I got it (because its positively outstanding). Now their third song, called "Here's My Life", is my favorite because it's all about being called into God's ministry and giving everything you have for Him. Today was different from any other time I'd heard that song, though, cause the lyrics had a new meaning for me:

Once again I said my goodbyes to those I love most. 

My heart feels that familiar pain as I long for home.

'Cause this road is hard when I feel so far.

God I'm crying out tonight 'cause I've given you my life,

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind,

So once more here's my life.

On the day that you called my name all that I knew change.

I found when I said yes that I'd never be the same.

Though the call is hard You are worth it all.

God I'm crying out tonight 'cause I've given you my life,

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind,

So once more here's my life.

Even when the tears are falling, when I find I fear the calling

You remind me,

Words You've spoken over my life, promises I've yet to see,

You comfort me.

God I'm crying out tonight 'cause I've given you my life,

But I'm tired and I'm missing what's behind,

So once more here's my life.

And that was the absolute breaking point for me. I was sitting at my computer, myspace-ing away and I just started crying. Because I finally said "okay" to God. Don't get me wrong... the heartache is still there... but I know its going to be okay.